Bottle eyes, glassy blue
OK, so I tried to not need to do this. But it’s better than other options.
My mentally insane brother misses me. Poor guy. I miss him too.
On Sunday May 4th I folded up and threw away a post-it-note that had been in my favorite book since 7:45ish PM August 11th, 2006. It had been in place for approximately 1 year, 7 months, 22 days, 14 hours.
So as things turn out, I am not getting married.
Now while I realize not everyone is interested in this, I also don’t care. hmm, yes I think that was a bit bitter. Not to worry, I’m keeping it in check overall.
It will most certainly take more than the past few days for me to stop thinking about that post-it-note. I don’t believe that is at all hard to understand, I mean I ran across that note at least five times a week for 85 weeks. 425 times, at least.
It’s a strange although not entirely unfamiliar feeling I have, trying to think of what to put in all this space that is empty now. From what I know of mental problems, and desperation, positive thoughts would be a good start. I can do that. But I also don’t want to coldly refuse to morn the loss of something precious to me.
What predictable, and yet tenacious, questions crawl into my conciousness. Will I? Can I? How? Why did? What did? Is it?
Yes, I’m quite sure it is my son.
I’m glad someone told me something I didn’t want to hear a few months ago. It’s helping now. I was rather peeved at “their nerve” when I heard it originally. But it was true and I couldn’t fault them for that.
“Put your spine in your back” is right. I mean that with no disdain whatsoever. I’m sure that both of us are actually winners here. This outcome may not have been the preference, but it is real, and that is a tremendously valuable thing.
It will be hard to trust, in the future. I can say that with some certainty. But then again, to trust another’s heart is no more secure than trusting your own. So frankly that shouldn’t really be blown out of proportion. Sincerity counts with me.
So what exactly is to become of this old bag of bones I see in the mirror? One things for sure, I’m getting fat.
I’ve resolved to hold off on dramatic decisions for a month. I think that should be long enough for me to stop thinking only of disappearing and start thinking at least a bit about the long term and how I want to get there, and where exactly there is.
On a positive note, I have not become a recluse. True it is only Wed. Give it time they say, right?
“If I go to the rain, you’ll never see me again” and other melodramatic quotations coming to a soppy boy near you.
It’s a touch strange to me that one morning (in about 3 minutes) 600 days and 14 hours of “us” can be made totally null. Null is a strong word, but still. Impressed I am with how unsure the best laid plans of mice and men are. At least I haven’t lost my temper.
I’m just not sure which one of us is supposed to meet at the river.
I wont hold on to you when there’s nothing to hold.
